A tormented mind…

If you understand what I am talking about… I feel for you and I am sorry for what you have to go through on a daily basis. It’s one thing to not be able to shut off your mind at the end of the day, it’s a whole other beast when it attacks you until you fall into unconsciousness predicated by prescription drugs.

I could sit here and blame everything on something else; my failed marriage, my lack in trust for the opposite sex, my nonchalant attitude about death and dying and wishing it could be self inflicted — but my cynical ass is too selfish and would like to watch tomorrow burn first hand.

I say a tormented mind in the title… and that truly what it is. It’s a sense of feeling and realization, “What is this all for? Why are we here? There is nothing more to this life but to be born, live as comfortably as possible, and then die…” Most people would sit there and say that I just suffer from depression — and they’re absolutely correct. I was diagnosed with”Major Depressive Disorder” in 2013. That is when my daughter was born — eight weeks early with a blood clot in her liver that lead to nine months in Seattle Children's Hospital resulting in five life threatening surgeries and a feeding tube for four months. It was during all of this that I had a paradigm, as I sat therein the waiting room waiting for her to be done with her surgery I started to think, “what is the purpose of all this?” and in doing this I came to the conclusion — there is none. Not one single iota of proof that we are here for a reason. This feeling was rather insignificant at first but as the years went on it grew larger and larger. After a tumultuous divorce and a very expensive Court battle for custody due to the fact that my ex wife abandoned my three-year-old daughter and a Motel 6 it became more clear that my extrapolation on life and its purpose was correct.

during all of this I turned to what they call some sort of Eastern spiritual religion, primarily Buddhism and Taoism. the more I read and consumed everything that was within Arm's Reach or the reach of my Kindle the more I realized that their message was about impermanence. Nothing is forever and as much as that was a interpersonal release, it was also a condemnation to self destruction and realizing that no matter what I did in life, in the end none of it mattered. my tormented mind took this information and spun it into a world wind of internal holocaust and mental torture.

unfortunately, the damage is done now. It's not a paradigm I can let go… No matter how hard I try, my mind still reverts back to that line of thinking. And rightfully so, because it’s true. No matter of the amount of money you making this life or status you achieve, in the end you all bleed the same blood and one day die.

However now more than ever does this thought constantly enrage me when I see what's going on in the world; all of the riots and desperation for attention. See you can claim to be persecuted by this person or that group. But until you have been relentlessly persecuted by your own mind — to the point of death, you won’t know true torment.

A quote loosely taken from Hunter S Thompson, “If I didn’t know at any time I could kill myself, I would feel so trapped in this life”.

This has nothing to be suicidal, it’s about wanting a purpose that is higher than, “Go to work, do good job, come home, do good things, wake up, and do it all over again…” but in the same breathe something that truly means something.

So now I reach out to you, for you to give me your insight, be as brutal as you want, as immature as you need, and as honest as you can muster…

Tell me why life is great, worth living, and above all; has some higher purpose.